How the Heart Approaches
by Linstock
Summary: A story of life at Starfleet Academy, beginnings, adventure and, of course, snacks.   How do Vulcans choose their snacks? I'm sure you have wondered.  Written for Spock Uhura Christmas Exchange.
1. Chapter 1

Title: **How The Heart Approaches**.

Author: Linstock

Pairing: Spock and Uhura

Rating: K

Type: Romance; Angst

Warning: None really.

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, the characters, or profit from this writing.

Summary: A story of life at Starfleet Academy, beginnings, adventure and, of course, snacks. (How do Vulcans choose their snacks? I'm sure you have wondered.)

Au: This story was written for sesh_khem as part of the Spock/Uhura Holiday Fic Exchange assignment. Merry Christmas to you, Sesh.

My deep thanks go my beta reader, SpockLikesCats. I sent her a raw story with enough grammatical errors to make a Vulcan weep* and she transformed it into a polished text. Of course I fiddled later and can clearly state that the errors are all mine. (*unashamedly plagiarised from "Descartes Error" by StarTrekFanWriter)

**How The Heart Approaches.**

Nyota liked to explore. No, it was more than that, Nyota _needed_ to explore. It was as much a part of her as her brown eyes or black hair. As a little girl she would go missing for hours and her mother would be half-frantic, looking for her everywhere. Upon returning, Nyota would look at her mother earnestly and say, "I was exploring." When she tried to share the exciting things she'd discovered, her mother was often less than enthusiastic. Nyota never understood why she was sent to her room when she'd just been exploring and had found so many fascinating things.

No one was surprised when Nyota wrote in her sixth grade composition, "What I Want to Be When I Grow Up," that she was "going to join Starfleet" because then she "could explore the whole universe."

##

It was natural that in her first weeks at Starfleet Academy Nyota explored the campus. Most cadets knew their dorm, their friend's dorms, where they attended lectures plus the library, the medical centre and the quickest route to the closest bar. Not Nyota. She was a Communications major but she went on every orientation tour of every building and she explored the buildings again by herself. Very quickly her classmates learned that if you wanted to know the location of a particular room, or where a certain professor had her office it was quicker to ask Nyota than try to figure out the on campus directory.

Her deep love of languages …. Really? Just another way of exploring.

##

Cadet Nyota Uhura met Commander Spock in the first week she was at the academy. "Met" might be too strong a word; "saw" was closer to the truth. "Met" does imply more than sitting in an orientation lecture with 300 or so other students. He had introduced himself but, admittedly, she had not reciprocated. She had noticed he was attractive and she liked his voice. She also liked the way he tipped his head slightly when listening to a question and the way his eyebrow rose if the question was particularly asinine. That was as much attention as she gave him; he was an instructor and that was the end of that - besides, she was too wrapped up in the energy, discipline and bustle of academy life to give much thought to an instructor - no matter how attractive.

She had an exhilarating succession of firsts. There was her first alien friend; her roommate Gaila from Orion. She was thrilled when her first assignment submitted was graded "with high distinction" by her instructor.

Now an independent adult living away from home, she had her first new romance, and revelled in the heady rush of exploring her own sexual power. But even this paled when compared to her first space flight: admittedly, it was only a shuttle run to an orbital station with five other cadets, but it stoked the fires of her passion to explore. It all combined into a potent and intense experience.

Not all the firsts were good - the first time she was in null gravity she was both violently sick _and_ hideously embarrassed.

Her first romance as an independent adult resulted in her first acrimonious breakup. It was painful, but not devastating because she knew it had been experimentation, lust - not love - and she would survive.

This was also Nyota's first experience of not being the best. For most of her young life, Nyota had been well ahead of the rest in the class. In Starfleet all her fellow cadets were recruited from the very best from all over the world and, although she topped most of her communication stream subjects, it took real effort. This was quite stimulating mentally but the constant disciplined effort required to out-score everyone else was also rather draining.

Then there were the compulsory general stream subjects covering everything from basic engineering, to battlefield first aid, to weapons training, to piloting a shuttle. Sometimes she was really struggling. On top of that there was intense physical training, including endurance conditioning, hand-to-hand combat and weightlifting to build maximum bone density and the muscle mass needed to function on planets with higher gravity than Earth. She was physically tired a lot of the time.

She kept her mind centred on her goal of active service. If she was going to be out there in the stars exploring, then she'd have to do her best to excel here.

During this time Cadet Nyota Uhura actually _met_ Commander Spock. She was in several of his classes and he rapidly became one of her favourite instructors. She appreciated his intelligence and efficiency. His assignments were challenging and based in real world experiences. While he was uncompromising and quick to point out errors, he was equally quick to note success and he never played mind games or flirted with the students.

Commander Spock was a linguist, and a scientist specialising in biology and astronomy, and he also lectured in math and computer science. Nyota thought that because of this range, he saw how disciplines interacted and he brought this richness and diversity to his lessons. When he personally congratulated Uhura on her third linguistics paper, she could not wipe the smile off her face all day.

##

Nyota met Spock at the vending machine.

In her early exploration phase, one of the things Nyota had learned was the location of every vending machine on campus.

Tucked away at the bottom of the return staircase to a seldom-used rear exit from the gym was a vending machine that [and this was a miracle] sold Peppermint Cuptops [with crunchy biscuits base]. These were Nyota's absolute favourite confection in the whole world. Strangely this vending machine was the only one in the academy stocked with them.

When she really, really needed a pick-me-up Nyota would come and buy a Peppermint Cuptop [with crunchy biscuits base]. The smooth dark chocolate, crunchy slightly crumbly coconut biscuit base and sweet piquant peppermint crème always worked their soothing and restorative magic.

The only other person she ever saw there was Commander Spock.

He would nod an acknowledgement, buy his item, and leave. They did not talk. Out of curiosity she noted what he bought. He always bought the same thing; Nut Combinations [with almonds, cashews, and now pine nuts!] but she could not see the actual contents of the pack. She knew that Vulcans did not eat with their hands and idly wondered if Nut Combinations were somehow an exception.

Then one night, as Commander Spock placed a token in the machine, thunder rolled and the heavens opened and what seemed like a wall of water fell from the sky. That was the first night he lingered. He looked different from the Commander Spock she was used to seeing. He was not in uniform. His chin was slightly darkened - the day's beard growth - and he wore a v-necked jumper in dark blue and loose trousers. It made him seem less formidable.

Nyota sat, exhausted, on the stairs and Commander Spock stood gazing into the rain. He opened the small box and Nyota was interested to see that it contained a neat row of small tooth-pick like sticks. He took one and on the end was a sphere. A cluster of nut pieces, she supposed, just the right size to eat in one mouthful; which he did. _The mystery of Vulcan snack food solved_, she thought. Eventually she decided that, even though he was easy to look at, she had more pressing matters to hand. A Peppermint Cuptop [with crunchy biscuits base] was never improved by being held in a warm hand for too long.

The thing with this particular treat was that they needed to be eaten in a special way; at least if you were Nyota Uhura. She had seen people who actually chomped into one and in three or so bites it was gone. Pure sacrilege! She had a ritual. Step One: unwrap it. Step Two: lick the dark chocolate off the base to reveal the rough coconut flavoured biscuit. Three: nibble around the edges of the biscuit. This gave her tantalising tastes of the biscuit and the chocolate with just a suggestion of the peppermint cream too. Four: nibbling completed, turn the whole thing over and carefully - this could not be rushed - lever the biscuit base off the cup top that held the peppermint cream. Five: use the biscuit base to scoop out the peppermint cream, which she ate off the biscuit. This step should be savoured, but not too much; by now her warm fingers would be softening the cup top. Six: consume biscuit base and peppermint crème and finally! She ate the almost empty cup top. It was then she looked up and saw Commander Spock watching her as if she were a fascinating new life form.

She blushed. Then she thought, "What do I have to apologise for? Eating Peppermint Cuptops [with crunchy biscuits base] in a manner unbecoming to a Cadet of Starfleet?" The thought made her grin. His eyebrow rose. Somehow in that moment a connection was made and without a word being spoken an agreement was reached.

"I see the rain has stopped. Good evening," he said. What she imagined he meant was "You are not afraid to be yourself around me. Fascinating. " And he left.

Nyota called "Goodnight, Commander," after him.

##

Slowly Nyota and Spock started talking. At first by the time Nyota finished licking the biscuit base free of chocolate he would be gone. As time passed they talked for longer and longer until the whole Peppermint Cuptop was just a pleasant aftertaste in her mouth and they still sat side by side on the stairs, talking.

It was as if in this small area next to the vending machine that dispensed Peppermint Cuptops [with crunchy biscuits base] and Nut Combinations [with almonds, cashews, and now pine nuts!] was somehow exempt from the usual rules the covered the academy. In this space, and this space only, he was Spock and she was Nyota.

He knew she hated null gravity; she knew he hated the cold rain - although he would never admit it. He knew she collected interesting words and she knew he collected ancient Vulcan poetry. He was interested to hear about her explorations as a child. She was amused to learn that they shared this trait and neither had understood why they had been punished when they had discovered so many interesting things while exploring.

She told him about Johari, her dog, and he told her about his sehlat, I'Chaya. She told him about her Africa, rich with life and people and heat and a sky so big it made you dream of space; he told her about the arid, baked, desolate, beauty of the Vulcan desert that hid its life so that only the careful observer could detect its presence.

Obsolete communications technologies fascinated Nyota and she taught Spock old American Morse code. Spock learned it embarrassingly quickly causing Nyota to shake her head over the hours she had spent as a teenager; she had nearly driven her family crazy constantly with her constant taping.

Spock shared his interest in music, especially composition, and they had wide ranging discussions about music in various cultures.

She would often share her impressions about the week, especially if she'd been on another space flight. He offered helpful ideas, just the sort of thing a friend would tell a friend – once, a trick to help with the nausea in null gravity. She gave him tips on understanding human social nuances that baffled him and even suggested some responses he could use when at a loss for what to say.

They never touched; not really. One night when Spock was being obtuse, as only he could be, Nyota bumped him with her shoulder. From then on she shoulder bumped him as a private way of communicating laughter, gentle disapproval or agreement. The first night Spock shoulder bumped _her_, gently chiding her for being too vulgar, she was secretly thrilled.

Why things were different in this small space that was not even a room, Nyota ever knew. There was nothing special about it; it wasn't private, nor was it especially comfortable, but it became theirs - the place where they became friends.

#

Their conversations at first focused on their own experiences, beliefs and even dreams. As they grew to value each other's opinion they slowly began to mention colleagues, friends and, well, Uhura's lovers.

When Nyota broke up with her latest boyfriend she was glad to have Spock's calm and logical perspective.

Spock, baffled by a colleague's behaviour, could discuss it with Nyota and sometimes, she could cast light on the interaction. However, she was not always successful.

"Today, when Professor T 'Garint stated that the new statistic program would improve departmental efficiency, Professor's Corrigan's response was , 'My fat Aunt'. This provoked uproar for 2.4 minutes. I fail to understand Professor Corrigan's aunt's involvement. He constantly refers to her. She is not a member of the faculty and her opinion is of no relevance to the committee."

Nyota tried to conceal her grin. "It's an expression Spock. By saying 'my fat aunt' Professor Corrigan is expressing disbelief of the previous statement."

She looked at Spock's expression and did laugh this time. He sat up straighter. _Uh oh_, she could detect the beginnings of a Vulcan "huff". He could be touchy sometimes.

"If I say, 'Everything's just fine" and you say, 'My fat aunt.' That means you do not believe everything is fine. See?"

"I do not have a fat aunt. My mother's sister is, on average, 14% underweight for a woman of her age and height."

Nyota sighed, "Spock, forget about your real aunt she just confuses the issue. This is a hypothetical aunt."

Spock took a deep breath, "I fail to comprehend how can a reference to a hypothetical overweight female sibling of one's parents can convey disbelieve in a statement."

Nyota accepted that some things could not be adequately explained, "It just does Spock, it just does."

##

Nyota knew that her relationship with Spock stopped at friendship; she was sure nothing short of a direct order from a commanding officer would induce Spock to break regulations. Spock's clear moral compass was one of the most pleasing things about him. Their friendship, at any rate, was much more comfortable without the possibility of anything sexual hovering in the background. Uhura could relax into "being herself."

##

As time passed and Nyota progressed from fourth-class cadet to second-class cadet, Nyota found increasingly that her life and Spock's overlapped and interwove. Spock guest lectured in Nyota's language courses; he oversaw the IT on the sub-space arrays where she did her shifts. Uhura was the treasurer of the Harmony group, which worked toward interspecies understanding, and Spock was a member.

Often, they saw each other in the gym, in the cafeteria and in the library. In her second-class year, she started working as his aide seeing him every day in some capacity. He would never cross the boundary dictated by a professional relationship but he became increasingly central in her world.

##

One evening, as they sat on the stairs eating their snacks, Nyota was bemoaning her lack of success with dating. "You'd better start looking for a Vulcan babe, or you'll be left on the shelf, like me!" His reply was totally unexpected.

"'Babe'" meaning female, not infant?" Spock asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Definitely," said Nyota with a sincere nod, and teasingly commented, "it's best to have the female before you have the infant!"

Spock looked thoughtful. "I do not need to seek out a Vulcan 'babe'," he paused as if reviewing the word.

"Mr Confident," she replied. "It's not so simple to find someone, trust me! I'm an expert at not finding."

"I have not noted any deficit in your 'finding' ability." Spock commented drily, having advised her through several breakups by now.

Sheeplishly, Nyota shrugged, "Finding's one thing, finding a _keeper_ is another."

"I see," said Spock.

Nyota looked at him, mockingly aghast. "Are you using one of my own phrases on me?" She bumped his shoulder. "Just remember who taught you that."

"Absolutely."

This response earned Spock a glare and a harder shoulder bump.

Nyota returned to the original conversation. "It's not so easy to find someone you could spend a lifetime with, come what may. It is not like you even have a girlfriend."

He looked at her with a subtle, smug Vulcan "oh really?" expression.

"Spock!" Nyota gasped, "You've been holding out on me!" Are you dating? What's her name? Is she pretty? What does she do? Where did you meet her? When..?"

He stopped the outpouring of questions with a raised hand.

"I met her for the first time when we bonded when I became seven years of age. It was not a 'date.'" He gave her a quelling look. "Her name is T'Pring; she is aesthetically pleasing."

Nyota gave a "more details" gesture with her hand.

Spock added, "Her face is symmetrical and she has proportions indicative of fertility and easy child bearing. She is a student of history." He paused briefly and added, "Does that satisfy your curiosity?" He looked at her with a slightly indulgent expression and raised an eyebrow in enquiry.

Nyota seemed speechless. Eventually she said, "_Seven_?"

Spock didn't sigh but he had this way of implying a sigh. "I know that you have read about Vulcan cultural practices. You would have read of the ceremony of _kan-telan_ and _koon-ut-la,_ or bonding, of children who will later complete _kah-ka _and become bondmates." He looked at her enquiringly.

"Yes," she said, frowning, "but somehow I never thought of it as applying to you." She sounded querulous even to herself.

He stiffened. "Am I not adequately Vulcan?" he enquired slightly coldly.

She was horrified at the coldness in his voice. "Spock - that's not what I meant! Of course you're Vulcan and, now that I actually think about it, of course, it makes sense." _Well - as much sense as __any__ marriage arranged between children could make,_ she thought.

Spock paused and stated quietly, "Nyota, I assure you that many of the cultural practices of Earth are as strange to me as this is to you. I do understand that betrothal of children seems barbaric to some. It was, however, an ancient custom in some Terran societies."

"Maybe you can explain the Vulcan custom to me. I really want to understand. What is the logic behind the practice?" Nyota asked.

Spock assumed his thoughtful expression. "Vulcans are telepaths, as you know. Usually this is done through touch. However, the bond with a mate is a true, permanent, telepathic bond of considerable intensity. It operates without touch and over great distances. The drive to join minds with a mate is potent for an adult Vulcan. It is as intense as the urge to physically mate is in humans.

"A Vulcan child needs to master this kind of permanent bond. To this end, Vulcans pair-bond their children before adolescence, so the couple can mature together. Even in the rare cases where the bond is severed, due to accident, or by choice, the skills needed to use, block, or explore a bond have become second nature."

Nyota shrugged. "When you explain it, is completely logical." She paused, wondering if the next question would be too intrusive, then asked, "Can Vulcans mate without a bond?"

"Yes. But this is less than satisfactory, as it address only one facet of the need – the physical. As I understand, when a joining of minds and bodies is achieved, it is an optimal experience."

"It sounds like sex and love to me," Nyota said thoughtfully. "Sex is great, but when sex and love_ combine,_ the experience can be 'optimal.' I know that humans also feel the need to _join_ with a lover." She turned toward Spock as she tried to explain. "It's as if you just can't get close enough - you want to sink _into_ that person, through their skin, just merge with them. Well, for a while anyway." She noticed Spock was looking at her strangely. _Uh-oh, too much human emotion,_ she thought._ Time to lighten the mood._

Then she mock formally said, "My dear sir, I sincerely hope you and your symmetrical Vulcan babe will be very happy together."

Spock gave her the look he reserved for when she was teasing; part amusement and part censure.

##

As she drifted into sleep that night, Nyota had to admit that the idea of Spock being bonded or betrothed to anyone made her feel cold and uncomfortable. She told herself this was because of the bonding taking place during childhood, and then castigated herself for her lack of cultural sensitivity.

##

The first day she did not see Spock, Nyota barely noticed. When they did meet he seemed different. Suddenly it seemed his duties increasingly required him to be out of his office. He would still meet her near the vending machine, but not often, and he didn't stay long. Their conversations now felt strained and uncomfortable. One evening, after she had not seen him for three consecutive days, he told her he was leaving. In two weeks he would depart on a scientific mission aboard the USS Atlanta - his duties at the academy would be delegated to others. He said he would contact her before he left to say goodbye.

Nyota was so shocked she couldn't even remember later what she'd said in response.

And then he was gone.

##

Nyota realised that Starfleet members could be called away on duty sometimes at very short notice. It would be part of her life for now on. She guessed that preparations for the mission were probably what caused the change in Spock's schedule. But she was unreasonably upset when she realised Spock had departed on the mission and had not said goodbye.

##

Spock had been gone for two months. Uhura hadn't expected to hear from him and so was not very disappointed when no communication came.

She was spectacularly busy, doing shifts monitoring sub-space messages, running her own small research project on the calibration of the universal translator, and assisting Professor Mayer with her data analysis. She attended lectures, tutorials and undertook seemingly unending assignments. Plus, this semester, the number of simulations had increased: already she had been woken several times to participate in night manoeuvres.

In the quiet times she missed Spock with an intensity that surprised her. The joys of her first solo flight or her team scoring top points in a negotiation simulation were diminished when she realised that she would not be sitting on the stairs, near the vending machine, sharing it all with Spock.

She ached to feel his calm, solid, presence beside her and to be able to just talk. She wanted to hear his dry wit and to bump shoulders with him. Uhura lectured herself when these moods came on: "You have chosen a life in which you'll make new friends and lose them constantly to new duty stations, and sometimes worse things, and you need to get used to it."

##

One night Nyota was vaguely surprised to find herself standing in front of the vending machine with a packet of Nut Combinations in her hand. She had meant to press the button for a Peppermint Cuptop. She frowned in confusion as she walked over and sat on the stairs, still staring at the box.

She read the ingredient list, then opened the pack and saw a neat row of small spheres with little sticks poking out. She plucked one out. Holding it carefully by the stick she placed it in her mouth and bit down. It was unexpectedly hard and she had to bite with some force. When the crust cracked it was soft, almost gummy, inside with a completely liquid centre. It was not sweet, but nutty and spiced and warming and … different. As the flavours warmed and vaporised in her mouth she smelled the rich combined spices.

She knew this scent. She felt as if a hand had gripped her heart and squeezed, hard. Spock. When he turned to toward her and spoke quietly and intently a whisper of this scent came from his mouth along with his words. As she sat beside him, her head tipped toward him, she drew that part of him into herself with every breath.

If at one of those moments she had turned her head a little more, leaned in and kissed him, this was the taste he would have shared with her as they touched lips and tongues.

Longing coiled through her, from her heart, through her chest and down her arms. She was hugging herself and breathing raggedly as she strove to protect her heart that hurt, actually physically hurt, in her chest. Nyota gave a quiet gasp that was half a sob.

She knew now that she was deeply and appallingly in love with a superior officer who was betrothed. How had that happened?

##

Three weeks more passed: if Uhura thought she was miserable before, she now knew she was wrong. Ironically, her new state of abject wretchedness actually benefited her work as she focused almost desperately on her studies and fitness conditioning.

She started to experience what she thought of as "lightning strikes." Absorbed in her work, she would suddenly feel a bolt of intense longing shoot through her - often with a vivid memory of Spock raising a questioning eyebrow, or glancing at her out of the corner of his eye, or tipping his head away from her and twisting it slightly as he did when he was uncomfortable with something she said. The lightning strikes left her dazzled and breathless with love.

After exhausting herself every night at the gym, in a mostly futile effort to ensure sleep, she'd feel impelled to go down the back stair to "their" spot by vending machine. She resisted. "I have to get over this," she told herself. "It's was not like we even have a romantic relationship." She was mystified that she'd fallen so totally in love with a man who had not even touched her, let alone kissed her. It was like something out of an old romance novel.

TBC…


	2. Chapter 2

Title: **How The Heart Approaches**.

Part 2.

Vulcans are no more or less self-aware than any other species. However, Vulcans differ from humans in that they do not delude themselves. Spock experienced a very adverse reaction when Nyota had talked of wanting to "merge" with someone. The flash of white-hot rage had startled him. Humans might slide away from an uncomfortable truth, but Vulcans do not lie, even to themselves. Spock realised the problem was with her wanting to merge with someone … **else**. That word made all the difference and indicated to Spock that he had a problem.

He had been lonely and isolated and Nyota's companionship had filled this void. Spock recalled the deep pleasure he experienced just sitting beside Nyota, inhaling her unique scent: mingled jasmine, peppermint and chocolate. Over the course of their many rich conversations Nyota had gone from an "acquaintance" to a central part of his life. Now he understood that his attachment to her was not simply as a friend.

She was a cadet, he, an officer: an intimate relationship would contravene seven Starfleet regulations and adversely affect both their careers. It would be illogical and unethical to continue the relationship. He was senior in rank and it was his responsibility to take the appropriate action.

He would keep his distance from Nyota in the future. He did not want to cause her undue distress, so he would steadily reduce his contact with her and adopt a demeanour more appropriate to instructor and student. The deep pang these decisions caused was further indication that his actions were justified.

It seemed most opportune when three weeks later he received orders to embark on the USS Atlanta.

##

The Atlanta's departure had been unexpectedly brought forward - Spock wasn't able to wind up his affairs as he wished - most important, he'd not been able to say farewell to Nyota. This seemingly minor happenstance caused him a disproportionate amount of displeasure.

##

Spock's time on the Atlanta was filled with intense research and preparation. There'd been a disaster, as yet undisclosed, at the top secret research station in the Gamma asteroid belt. He was part of the multidisciplinary team being sent in to retrieve survivors and secure the facility. Captain Pike selected the team members and chose Spock because of the Vulcan's skill with computers, biology, languages and his combat experience.

The team leader was Commander Sanders, a decorated combat veteran who had a solid reputation for getting a job done effectively and with minimal casualties.

In the high profile world of space racing there was one test of speed and manoeuvrability that stood out for the rest, the Aarem Classic. Caleb Sobel's fans were shocked when the holder of record for two consecutive years, quit racing to join Starfleet. Lieutenant Sobel was now the team's pilot and both surprising small and irritatingly voluble.

Lieutenant Commander Thirin Jar Than Tas, the combat specialist was taciturn and Andorian. But it was the presence of medical specialist and researcher Lieutenant Quan that gave Spock the first indication of the nature of the "disaster". Quan's work centred on space born pathogens; in particular his recent papers explored the long term survival of potential pathogens in asteroid substrata.

So far all they team members knew was they would leave the Atlanta as soon as she neared the asteroid belt containing the asteroid Gamma 54. Their transport was a light and highly manoeuvrable Perkins class vessel Lieutenant Sobel had christened the "Magpie" due to its black and white colour scheme.

They would fly through the asteroid belt to Science Base Gamma 54, retrieve all personnel and secure the facility. They would then continue across the asteroid belt and rendezvous with the Atlanta on the far side. The mission looked very straightforward.

It was not. The Magpie would be unable to communicate with the Atlanta while in the asteroid belt and the larger vessel could not enter the belt; only a craft as delicately manoeuvrable as the Magpie could hope to get in and out undamaged.

##

Although Spock knew that this mission was classified - he would never be able to discuss it with Nyota - he found he wanted intensely to do so. He developed the highly irrational habit of imagining whole conversations with her. Sometimes the experience was so vivid he could feel the shoulder bump she would deliver if his thinking was less than logical.

##

The team was together constantly; they lived together, ate together and slept in the same room. They were five highly skilled professionals but they needed to become a team. They drilled together relentlessly until they began to mesh into a cohesive unit.

Working in this kind of close-knit group was not one of Spock's natural strengths; however, he focused diligently on the task to meet the need.

The lack of privacy was particularly wearing for him. He did not have time to meditate adequately and this was affecting his control. When he addressed this matter with Pike, the captain said, "And I haven't had time to get a massage! When you're in what ever hellhole awaits you, I doubt you'll get much time to meditate, Commander. I suggest you turn your formidable intellect to finding a way to cope."

Spock had felt a flash of anger but had also recognised the logic of Pike's words.

In a softer voice Captain Pike added "I'll ensure that you have time to meditate before the final stage of the mission commences. Dismissed."

##

Spock strove to perfect brief pseudo-meditations. These were more like centreing himself. In free moments he would close his eyes, deepen his breathing and allow his mind to drift, seeking an image to calm him and bring peace. He was surprised by the tender image that rose to the surface of his thoughts; Nyota, sitting on the second bottom stair, holding a chocolate bar at the moment when she lifted her head and saw him. The smile of welcome that lit her expressive face also lit his heart.

It soon became automatic: when Spock focused his thoughts inward, as inevitably as a homing pigeon seeking its roost, his mind would turn to Nyota and he would be replenished.

##

Gamma 54 type C carboniferous asteroid, riddled with gas pockets and encased in a thick ice mantel. Its diameter was some five hundred kilometres; large enough to be considered a planetoid. The research station was located in deep tunnels and even now the actual research they were engaged in remained classified. According the Quan, Gamma 54 provided almost ideal conditions for the preservation of pathogens.

The details of events remained unclear. The work crew opened a new chamber in the complex. Nine days after the chamber was opened Starfleet received a garbled message reporting madness and violence, then all communications with the base ceased.

##

Spock thought Captain Pike had used a colourful idiom when he described Gamma 54 as a "hellhole." Later he knew it was an underestimation. To say the mission was a disaster was an understatement of monumental proportions.

The Magpie was badly damaged during landing when it fell through the asteroid's ice crust coming to rest canted to one side and wedged, engines done in the ice. One engine was seriously damaged; the communications array had been wiped off the hull and several other system were also damaged. Lieutenant Sobel remained behind in the Magpie to assess the damage, make repairs and ready the craft for lift off.

The team quickly found the degree of the disaster in Science base Gamma 54 was unprecedented.

The days spent at that facility were the most challenging Spock had faced in his career. For the first time he truly understood the meaning of the word "horror." It would take extensive meditation for him to process and contain these memories. Half of the twenty-person research team did not make it back to the Magpie, and five of the survivors were seriously injured.

Lieutenant Sobel, had managed to right the Magpie and he nursed the damaged craft as it took off. Although sluggish and unresponsive the Magpie was still flying. The life support systems were destroyed so it was critical that they contact the Atlanta quickly. Spock estimated that, provided everyone remained calm, they had two hours' air supply. The injured were quickly treated by Lieutenant Quan and put into medically induced comas to keep them stable until advanced medical facilities were available.

It was beginning to look like the damaged craft would clear the asteroid field when they were struck. Sluggish and unresponsive, the Magpie was unable to avoid a collision with an asteroid. Spock watched with an almost detached fascination as the cause of his probable death tumbled inexorably towards them. In slow motion, the forty-ton chunk struck the rear section of the Magpie, completely removing one engine and damaging the other. It had killed them as effectively as if it had obliterated the Magpie as it rolled past. At least that death would have been quick and relatively painless.

The engines and life support were destroyed. So were the communication systems and the distress beacon. The Magpie drifted helplessly and everyone on board knew they faced the horror of slow asphyxiation.

##

Spock worked with quiet, focused intensity. His calm helped the others maintain theirs. They'd quickly determined that the remaining engine was damaged past repair. Spock rigged the igniters to fire in a sequence that spelt out the Morse distress code, SOS. The pulses produced patterned bursts of energy of a kind that might be detected by a Starfleet listening stations. It was the best he could do to signal their presence. But he knew that the slow-tumbling meteors that surrounded them would distort the signals and the likelihood of rescue was too small to calculate.

They had done all they could do. They knew the Atlanta would be scouring the region for them but they were so far off their rendezvous course, it wasn't likely they'd be located in time. Towards the end Quan injected each crewmember with a drug to render them unconscious. Not only would this spare them the pain and horror of asphyxiation, but in a relaxed unconscious state they'd consume less oxygen, allowing more time for rescue. Spock had volunteered to remain on watch.

##

Before Spock lost consciousness, he lay on the floor of the small cabin. He stilled himself and reached out through the bond to his mother, sending her a wave of love and his sadness at never seeing her again. He left her with the mental equivalent of a kiss on the cheek. Next he touched his father's mind and opened himself to show his abiding love, mingled with his regret at their estrangement. He almost lost his rigidly held control when his father sent back a shaft of pure paternal love and pain as he saw in Spock's mind what was happening.

Spock closed the link. Now all his resources were focused on this task of viciously suppressing his body's panic and controlling his breathing to ensure the least oxygen consumption possible.

##

On Vulcan Amanda Grayson felt the touch of her son's mind and felt the glow of his love. She put her hand to her cheek and soundlessly formed his name with her lips. She fled to the study where Sarek stood immobile, ashen-faced and breathing hard. She moved into his arms, clinging to him, and as he held her she could feel his body trembling as he buried his face in her hair.

"He still lives," Sarek whispered.

##

Spock's needy body struggled against his will, wanting to gasp in deep breaths of air and to fight this slow and desperate asphyxiation. Just as Spock lost consciousness, he felt a gentle bump against his shoulder and smelt jasmine mingled with the snap of peppermint and the smooth kiss of chocolate.

TBC…


	3. Chapter 3

Title: **How The Heart Approaches**.

Part 3.

Spock was just rising to leave the briefing room. Only Captain Pike remained. The debriefing had gone much as Spock had anticipated. Every detail of the mission had been reviewed and would remain classified. As far as the rest of the Federation was concerned, an accident during a science mission had tragically cost ten lives.

Captain Pike said, "Commander."

Spock sank back into his chair and waited.

"I wanted a private word with you, son," Pike began, causing Spock to tilt his head slightly in confusion. He wasn't Pike's son nor in any way related to him. Then he realised that this opening was an effort to move the discussion from the formal debriefing to a situation of an elder talking to a junior he held in regard. Spock was pleased he'd been able to understand the intent behind the erroneous statement.

"Spock, I've had enough brushes with death to know that it can bring a surprising clarity to one's thinking. You had no reasonable expectation of rescue and fully expected to wake up dead."

Spock struggled with the utter lack of logic of the last statement.

"I don't know what you thought in those last moments," Pike raised his hand as if to forestall a comment, "but, whatever it was, don't let it slip away now that you've returned to the living. Act on it and follow through. In fact I _order_ you to act on it. That is a direct order from your commanding officer, Spock, got it?"

Spock nodded.

"Fine. Now we'll be stopping at Vulcan on the way back to Earth - I know that you have leave owing to you - so if you'd like to disembark at Vulcan I'd find that completely logical. Request leave through the usual channels and it'll be approved."

With that Captain Pike rose and walked to the door. Before he exited he half turned and said, "You're a fine officer, Commander. I look forward to serving with you in the future."

#

Spock considered his situation. A Starfleet Captain had just ordered him to break the social conventions of his people and seven Star fleet regulations. Spock was a diligent officer, and as such, would follow his orders to the letter. As he sat at the table he savoured the irony.

#

It was now a week since the Atlanta had returned. Spock hadn't been on board. By asking around Uhura had learned that he'd left the ship at Vulcan and no one knew when he would return. She supposed it was logical for him to visit his family when his ship was so close.

She pulled a self-deprecating face and forced herself to be honest. The reason her food tasted like ashes was the thought of Spock visiting his Vulcan "babe," with her symmetrical face and child-bearing proportions. She smiled sadly, rose, dropped her uneaten dinner into the galley's garbage bin and slowly returned to her quarters to try to sleep.

#

One night Nyota simply didn't have the energy to resist that "pull" toward the vending machine any more. Avoiding a vending machine made no sense - and a Peppermint Cuptop might lift her spirits. She dragged herself down the stairs and was almost at the vending machine when she raised her eyes.

Spock was standing in front of the machine. She closed her eyes, and then opened them again. He was really there, looking straight at her.

"Hi," she said.

"Hello, Nyota," he replied, never taking his eyes off her.

Nyota closed her eyes briefly at the sound of his voice - longing coiled in her chest and made her shoulders ache. She felt as if she was in a dream. Gazing at him, she noticed he was thinner and his face seemed a little drawn, but he was Spock, and he was beautiful and she wondered how she could ever have not known how much she loved this man.

Silently they sat side by side on the stairs. Uhura struggled with her conflicting emotions. Part of her wanted to lean against him and sob, part wanted to just kiss him and part wanted to run away so she could lick her wounds in peace and not humiliate herself. Nothing in her wanted to sit beside him on the stairs and make polite conversation about his visit home. She didn't think she could bear to hear him discuss his future bondmate.

Spock's opening words were, "I have just returned from visiting Vulcan. "

"Oh, that's nice," she said. Her voice sounded high and squeaky.

Spock tilted his head. Eventually he said, "The visit was productive."

It seemed an ominous choice of words to Nyota: "productive" implied actions taken and tasks completed. She didn't like the sound of that at all.

"That's … nice," she muttered, staring hard at her hands. She glanced over at Spock, who appeared to be looking at her strangely.

"Nyota, I cannot discuss any of the events of the recent mission with you."

She nodded. "I understand."

"It is a matter of record, however, that there was an incident with a Perkins class vessel, during which several crewmembers died."

She studied him, frowning slightly.

"I was on that vessel."

Nyota felt confused; she shook her head. "But that vessel was in the Gamma asteroid belt, nowhere near the Atlanta's position."

It was Spock's turn to look perplexed. "Indeed, our team went to investigate a scientific anomaly and during our investigation, the Magpie sustained massive damage." He considered further. "How do you learn of the position of the shuttle?"

"I was on duty monitoring signals from the Gamma sector. I detected what I thought was a signal. It was distorted but I was sure it was a repeated pattern - the letter "S" in the old Morse code. At least once I detected a full "SOS" pattern. I believed it was a distress signal, but my supervisor was not convinced. I argued," she paused and shrugged, pulling an expressive face, "I argued _a lot_. I'm afraid that I was placed on disciplinary level 1 for disrespect to a superior officer."

Spock tilted his head in enquiry.

"Well, amongst other things I said that he had the aural acuity of a turnip," muttered Nyota.

Spock raised an eyebrow at this simile.

"But I was _right_," Nyota exclaimed vehemently. "I went to the facility controller and I made him listen and eventually he agreed that it was worth investigating." She turned now so she was looking at Spock's profile. "I learned later that a Perkins Class vessel had been damaged and was drifting and the crew was still alive. That's all they told me. " Nyota was staring at Spock and desperately wanted to touch him. "That was you?"

"It was."

Their gazes locked.

She could feel hysteria building. "I had no idea. I didn't know, I …" She clamped her mouth shut and turned, staring steadfastly at the floor in front of her. He had been in that shuttle asphyxiating. The man she loved so much. Rumour had it that they had found the shuttle occupants with only minutes to spare. He had been slowly dying, unable to take a breath and in agony. Her eyes filled with tears.

Spock said simply, "It seems I owe you my life, Nyota. Thank you."

She nodded stiffly, still struggling with her feelings. She was so close to crying and that would just begin a complete unravelling.

Spock's voice was soft. "Captain Pike said that almost dying focuses the mind. I find this to be true. During the few minutes I believed to be my last, several things became clear to me. I reached out through the bond to my parents and that has done much to restore our relationship. I also realised I needed to see T'Pring as a matter of some urgency."

"Great," said Nyota, and almost jumped to her feet. He was alive, she was truly grateful; but sitting here hearing him talk about his symmetrical Vulcan babe was more than she could bear. She had to get away - now.

He stood too and stepped closer. He was looking at her intently.

"I needed to discuss our future," Spock continued.

Nyota stepped back. If he came any closer she just knew she would either fling her arms around him and kiss him until his Vulcan toes curled or she would burst into tears. She held out her arm, placing her hand on his chest to hold him at arm's length.

Nyota did not look at him. "I'm happy for you Spock, really I am, and I hope that your life with her will be wonderful, but I must go."

"Nyota, I severed the bond with T'Pring."

She heard it, she did, but it didn't make sense. Maybe the old bond had to be severed before they could marry. Oh god, maybe he was already married. She had to go.

But Spock was still talking.

"I had to sever the bond before courting anyone else. To do otherwise would be dishonourable."

"_Court?"_ _What did he mean "courting anyone else"? Who was he courting?_ She looked up at him, her confusion clear on her face.

"Courting anyone else?"

"Yes, I believe 'courting' is the correct word to use to describe the process of initiating an exclusive relationship, to assess compatibility with a view to bonding in the future."

She was struggling to catch up. Her mind seemed full of cotton wool. She tried to reason this through. Spock was here. Spock was speaking to her. So logically what he was saying was in some way related to … her.

"You want to court … me?" her voice was an embarrassing squeak.

"Yes, I do. I came to understand in the last minutes I had to live that this was, in fact, essential."

"But … but we've never touched. You haven't even kissed me."

"Are these impediments to courting you?"

"Well, yes, for me they are … impediments."

"Then I will endeavour to rectify this."

He placed his right hand over the one she had placed on his chest, raised her hand to his lips, and kissed it. Heat radiated up her arm, catching in her chest.

Spock reached his other arm over her shoulder and stepped in close, so her head was cradled in the crook of his arm. His right arm wrapped around her and he kissed her, slowly, softly and deeply. It was everything she had imagined; heat, spice and homecoming. Nyota wrapped her arms around him, her hands splayed wide on his back. Oh, the indescribable relief of being able to actually hold him.

Eventually he lifted his head, gently nuzzled the side of her face and pulled back to look at her.

"I trust these matters have been addressed to your satisfaction."

"Well, it's a good start," she said, smiling. Just to make sure she had understood she restated, "You want to court me with a view to bonding."

"I do, but that decision is yours."

"Do you love me?"

"I am uncertain of the specific nature of the human experience of 'love', but my research on the subject leads me to believe there are certain well-accepted indicators."

"'Indicators'?" Nyota parroted, wondering if a simple 'yes' had been too much to ask.

"Indeed. For example, thinking of the object of your affection with your dying breath appears to be accepted as …" But Spock never finished the sentence because his mouth was suddenly otherwise engaged.

Later, when they stood, foreheads touching, breathing hard, she asked: "So that was a yes?"

"Yes." He replied with deep sincerity.

"Good. Okay. That's all right then, as long as we are even," she replied and stroked the side of his face.

Suddenly a door banged loudly, followed by a clatter of feet on the stairs. By the time the cadet came into view, Nyota was gazing out the door into the night and Spock was standing near the base of the stairs, the picture of calm, his hands clasped behind his back.

The cadet saluted Spock and nodded at Uhura as he passed out the door and into the night.

Spock turned to Nyota and said, "I believe it would be advisable to continue this conversation in a more private setting."

Nyota adopted a similar formal air, "I agree. Unfortunately my quarters are not private."

"Then I suggest we proceed to mine." He replied.

Nyota nodded. Joy was just starting to rise in her: Spock loved her. Spock had kissed her. Spock wanted to court her. Spock had thought of her with what he thought would be his dying breath. Spock had kissed her; had she already thought that? It was incredible - it was unbelievable - but Vulcans do not lie.

##

When Nyota finally asked Spock if he was concerned about breaking Starfleet regulations, he replied that he was not and added, "I am following orders."

This reply made no sense to Nyota, but before she could pursue the matter further, Spock distracted her. He had quickly learned a range of ways to effectively distract her and his perplexing reply remained a mystery for many years.

The End.

Au: Dear readers, your comments are my Christmas present. If you liked it (or disliked it) please let me know. I'd love to know what worked so I can do better in future. Remember comments are how SpockLikesCats and I are paid. Have a merry and safe Christmas and go boldly where ever you please…


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